Divergent Gag
by RCKTrio
Summary: This is just a joke of a story. There is nothing serious about it, and you may laugh. There will be a weird wannabe pairing along with a crazy plot twist. Read to find out more. -K
1. Chapter 1

**Preface**

Hello, everyone out there. This is K. I've never posted fanfiction on my own before, so for my first story I wanted to make it something kind of stupid and funny. Hopefully you'll laugh...hopefully. If not, I'll have to work on my skills as a comedian. So yes, don't read this as actual fanfiction. Read it as if you and your friends were at a slumber party and you wrote it at 2 in the morning on a piece of paper you found on the floor...because that's exactly what I did. If you guys really like it, I guess I can make more chapters? But I seriously doubt you'll actually want to keep going. And, based on the way it ends, it'd be pretty hard to keep going. Now don't just go and skip to the end so you can see what I mean. I know that there are people like you out there who read the last chapter, or sentence, or whatever, of a book before starting from the beginning like you're _supposed_ to, and I have my eye on you...just kidding. A lot of my friends do that and I really don't care; no hard feelings. Well, enjoy?

-K

 **Disclaimer:** We do not own anything.

 **A Divergent Gag**

 **Jeanine's POV**

I woke up startled. I was having another one of the dreams again…..about her. And him. Especially him. Everyone thought I went over to Dauntless HQ so much to monitor them and make sure that they were on task. But they were wrong. Dead wrong. I visited so much to see him. Four. Tobias. I despised all of the alone time Tris got with him, so I made sure I visited every day after training.

No alone time. Ever.

If I heard Four ask Tris if she wanted to go to the Ferris Wheel, I'd ask if I could tag along. $harquisha, my servant, said I was crazy if I ever thought Four would go out with me. But if Four didn't like me, then why does he always insist I join him? And Tris seems okay with it, too. I love to picture just the three of us on a beach in Santa Monica, drinking lemonade from coconuts with umbrellas, a boombox playing our favorite songs. But that fantasy probably would never come true, because of the simulation.

Eric wanted us to start injecting the Dauntless brats to make them mindless drones, but I had come up with excuses to put it off. I know it won't last forever, but I can't let them hurt my precious Tris. And Four. Especially Four.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(page break)

"What will we do tomorrow, Four?" I asked one evening. Tris, Four and I had just gone swimming in the pool in my mansion. $harquisha was bringing us towels, soft and warm, fresh from the dryer.

"Well, Jeanine, Tris and I were going to go visit Amity and help harvest-"

"Ugh, the dirt people? Hang with the cool kids, not the hippies. There's this awesome party I was invited to that I could get you into-"

"Jeanine, we're going to Amity."

" _Fine_ , if you insist. $harquisha! Fetch my gardening gloves!"

"Fetch them yourself. I need my television time."

"Do you know how much I pay you to sit around and do absolutely _nothing_?! Tobias, Tris, and I are going to go do hard work in the fields together-"

"ALONE," Four said, strongly. I'd never heard Four speak so harshly like that to me before.

"But, Four, I..I...don't really know what to say, I just..." I started.

He was quick to interrupt. "Jeanine, Tris and I need some alone time." He winked at Tris, who giggled. That man-stealing meany.

"Not that we don't love having you around, but Tris and I are kind of a couple, and it would be awkward if you came on a date with us…"

"No, Four. Tobias. I get it. You guys should just… Just go," I said to them.

"Jeanine, I didn't mean to-"

"Get out, Four. And take _her_ with you." I threw as much disgust as I could into that putrid girl's pronoun.

"Jeanine, listen. We love chilling with-"

"GO. NOW!"

Tobias looked at Tris. She shrugged and skipped away, water droplets from the pool leaving a trail wherever she moved. Four's eyes locked with mine. "Four, I-" I started, but Tris had returned in the doorway.

"Are you coming?" she asked Four.

 **Tobias's POV**

I put on a black shirt with jeans, getting ready for my date with Tris. It was the fanciest thing that I owned. I took one last glance in the mirror, and headed out. I walked over to the tracks, ready to board the train to Amity. When it sped by, I hopped on, hearing crunching coming from the back of the car. I slowly approached the source and saw Tris and Zeke eating cereal and toast together, giggling at each other's milk mustaches.

"Um, Tris?" She looked up, shocked to see me, as if she was guilty of something...

"Oh, Four. I didn't…" Zeke looked up, too, with the same facial expression as Tris.

"Are you two.." I gulped. "...eating together? Tris, how dare you eat breakfast with other men! Gosh, after all of the great times we've had, this is what you resort to? Am I not good enough for you?!"

"Oh hey, buddy! I have a confession to make…"

"What, Zeke? You cereal-eating-"

"I'M ABOUT TO BLOW UP THE WORLD!"

BOOM!

The End

Hope you enjoyed it! Like I said earlier, pretty stupid, right? Please comment nicely, follow RCKTrio, and favorite it if you think it was worthy. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

**Preface**

Greetings once more, fellow readers. Thanks so much to everyone who commented on my story; it's great to hear from you guys! All of your positive feedback inspired me to write "part two" of this crazy thing. I am currently writing this at 6:45 a.m. at yet another one of our slumber parties - R is still asleep and C is doing who knows what upstairs. I really hope that this goes well; sequels are normally never as good as the original. Happy Thanksgiving _**(hehe, quick interruption by C, but I am in charge of posting stuff and I forgot for a month. OOPS. Happy Holidays!)**_ and enjoy _A Divergent Gag, the Second Chapter_.

P.S. Sorry I haven't written in a while; finals took up all of my time.

-K

 **Disclaimer:** We do not own anything.

 **A Divergent Gag, the Second Chapter**

 **Jeanine's POV**

Everything went black. I remember so clearly what had happened just minutes before. I was talking to my servant, $harquisha. Well, not really _talking_ I guess, more of...telling her what she should be doing with her empty, useless life, and that I wanted a coffee. Extra cream. Pinch of sugar. Warmed to 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Right as she was about to come up with some sarcastic comment that would've put her job in jeopardy, everything around us exploded. All of my expensive furniture and designer outfits were blown to smithereens. The air around us became extremely hard to breathe, rapidly filling with black smoke. As soon as my vision was cut off, I felt hands grabbing my shoulders to drag me away. I would've screamed if I had had the lung power to do it. After some time of stumbling through broken glass, and hoping my favorite black high-heeled shoes wouldn't snap, a bag was placed over my head, and I was thrown into a vehicle. The bag wasn't that high-quality, and I could sort of make out shapes through the fabric. There were five men, all dressed in the same ugly, grey outfits with matching gas-masks and goggles to top off the look. One of them pressed a button on their digital watch, and spoke into it.

"Commander Zeke, come in Commander Zeke."

"What is it now, Jensen?" A familiar voice asked.

"We have the package."

"Excellent. Bring her to Headquarters, ASAP."

"Roger that. Over and out."

"Who's Roger?"

"No one, sir."

"That's what I thought. You really need to stop with the imaginary friends, Jensen."

"Will do, sir. Sorry, sir." And with that, the man called "Jensen" hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(page break)

The rest of the ride was surprisingly smooth, considering the world blew up. I was expecting lots of bumps and potholes, but it felt like we were gliding down the pavement. Maybe we actually were. These days, you never know. After what felt like hours, we finally arrived at what Zeke and Jensen referred to as "Headquarters", wherever that was. All of the doors in the van flew open, flashing a bright light through the seams in the bag over my head. I was once again dragged around through endless rooms and sets upon sets of doors, until finally my hands and feet were bound to a hard-wood chair upon being seated in it. The bag over my head was instantly removed, the five men from the van silently standing against the wall after removing it. I decided to use this as an opportunity to take in my surroundings. I was in a large room with an extremely high ceiling - probably once used for a ball. The walls were decorated with beautifully detailed tapestries, all bursting with color. Just as I was finally getting used to the piece and quiet, Zeke burst through the doors at the front of the room. The five men all put their right hands at their right eyebrows in salute, and Zeke nodded them off.

"Well done, gentlemen. We have the others coming in now. Get them tied up as well."

"Sir, yes, sir." They all monotonously said in unison, as they helped tie up the newcomers in chairs just like mine right next to me. When their bags were taken off of their heads, I gasped in horror - it was Tobias and Tris. They were captured, too? I thought they were friends with Zeke...

"You're probably all wondering why you're here today. I know things may seem a little odd, but just let me explain." Zeke began. Tris glanced over, noticing me for the first time. She notified Four of my presence. I was glad Tris was here with me, despite our earlier debacle. And Four. Especially Four.

"You see," Zeke started again. "I have been working undercover as an super secret agent for a super secret race of aliens on planet Infernum. All hail Infernum." As he spoke that last sentence, he, along with all of the guards in the room, made a weird hand motion.

"HAIL." They all proclaimed.

"As I was saying-" Zeke went on.

"Just cut to the chase, _Commander_." Tris sarcastically said. Judging by his expression, Zeke definitely did _not_ appreciate that.

"Do you know how much that cereal cost me, honey? And to think, I actually invited you to _IHOP_ with me-"

"She's right, just get on with it." Tobias cut in.

"Right. Okay, so like I said, aliens, agent, blah blah blah. Long story short, the aliens I work for want to use you guys to experiment on. They've been watching you for a while now, and thought you guys would be the perfect candidates to be experimented on! You get to have your brains examined, manipulated, and analyzed by a whole different species! A test that'll take _five whole years_ of living on planet Infernum! Congratulations!" Zeke said like a spokesperson on an advertisement. Even game-show music was playing while he announced the "grand prize" we had "won", and his minions were performing a dance number. Four burst out laughing.

"Dude, come on. Where are the cameras? The hiding audience ready to come out and start laughing at us while a television-show host explains that we were pranked by you, or something? " Four said between chuckles.

"I'm serious, bro."

"Wow." Was all Tris said.

"Zeke, there's no way I'm getting on some dopey rocket-ship to go to some dopey planet for some dopey test. I bet it's not even a private rocket-ship, you know. I'll probably end up having to sit next to the smelly old guy who won't stop talking about the Dark Ages when phones weren't invented. And then the rude flight attendant will ask me if I want anything to drink, and I'll ask for a soda, and then she'll say everything's out except for water, and who likes plain old _water_ these days, I mean come _on_ , it's the 21st century, people!" I started, rambling on and on, getting more flustered with each word.

"Jeanine, I promise you there will be no awkward conversations, or flight attendants with empty trolley carts. There won't even be anyone else except you three, and the journey will only last three seconds. The aliens have sent us a very advanced rocket-ship they made using technology that's _eons_ ahead of ours. Planet Infernum is three-hundred light-years away, but you won't look a day old after the trip that takes only a matter of seconds."

"But why _us_ , of all people?" Tris asked.

"Well, the aliens needed a mix of gender and age, so I thought I'd give them an old geezer, Jeanine, and some nice youngins, you and Four. Plus, the aliens will more than likely give you and Four spots on the team once the treatment is done, so we can all work together! Also there's a 90% chance Jeanine will die from the experiment, because her old, weary bones won't be able to take it. So it's a win-win!"

" _Excuse_ me? I never-" I began to rage.

"Don't, Jeanine. Zeke, you can _not_ talk about her that way." Four declared. My heart skipped a beat. He actually stood up for me.

"What do you care? Oh well, I'll never understand you. Check your watches, folks, 'cause it's boarding time! See y'all in five years!"

"What makes you think we'll ever get on that rocket?" Tris countered.

"Nothing. Nothing will make you get on that rocket. You're all too determined and have lots of willpower. You'll all never stop fighting."

"So, we can go, then?" I hopefully asked.

"Wait for the catch." Tobias said.

"Nothing will ever make you get on that rocket _willingly_." Zeke finished.

"There it is." Four stated, and the bags were once more placed over our heads, and we were tranquilized.

~~END OF CHAPTER 2~~

Well, that just happened. I suppose weirder things could come out of my head... Hope you enjoyed the second chapter, and I'll try to write more soon! Please comment nicely, follow RCKTrio, and favorite it if you think it was worthy! Thanks!


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